Life In Lockdown: Volume 1

Photo by Heidi Ryder

I have sat down to write about this unique moment our world is experiencing more times than I can count.  I find myself full of optimism one day and utterly terrified the next.  And I imagine this rollercoaster of emotions is one that will be the new normal for the next little bit.  In an effort to be kind to myself and pace myself for what may come, I’m allowing myself to experience this very uncertain time in any way that feels true to the moment.

We are experiencing a crisis in real time.  The realities change minute by minute and there is no expert that can truly give us anything to ‘hang our hat on’ right now other than practicing everything from basic to extreme measures of sanitization and distancing ourselves from one another in an effort to buy enough time to learn more…to give doctors, scientists, and healthcare workers an opportunity to care for those that are sick and find a treatment protocol that will help.

But this invisible villain is wreaking havoc not just physically. It’s forced us to slow down, return to our homes, and give us nothing but time to be present.  I don’t know about you, but that has left me with an overwhelming sense of gratitude one minute and wanting to pull my hair out the next.  Over the next few weeks I thought I would share more about the different realizations that I have made, the highs and lows of quarantine life, and give you a glimpse of what my personal rollercoaster ride looks like.  And I thought my relationship would be a good place to start!

I can safely say that the first couple of weeks of being quarantined was some of the more trying times Nick and I have ever experienced.  We are used to spending a lot of time together because Nick has been mostly retired for the last three years.  But it was the way we were reacting to pandemic that seemed to be the sticking point.  I found myself ready and prepared.  I saw the writing on the wall almost two months ago and bought ourselves enough cheerios (something we don’t even eat) to survive an apocalypse.  Nick jabbed me for being ‘nuts’ and I resented feeling like I was the only responsible one. 

As things started to intensify, school closed, and I raced to Florida to be closer to my mom and the rest of my family, I could see the shift in Nick’s level of discomfort.  He didn’t race out to buy boxes of family sized Cheerios, but he started to enforce a strict protocol for amazon boxes and anything that stepped foot in our home.  I will fully admit, he was right for setting up a system, but his approach was intense. Home school brought on a similar level of annoyance for me.  I was feeling a crazy amount of pressure to make it fun and meaningful, but exhausted at the end of each day trying to help Emme complete each assignment.  Nick would pop into our ‘school room’ and horn in our flow or offer some advice on math that felt like was complicating things.  He had a ton of opinions and ‘constructive criticism’ for how we would get through the days and I found myself unwilling to consider them because I was used to doing it my way.  He was stepping into a role that I have proudly inhabited for our entire marriage and it was driving me insane. 

I realize that I sound like a total control freak.  And I’m not denying that I am very comfortable being the captain of this ship.  But this unique experience has forced us all to shift gears a bit.  I was sent an article from a dear friend that spoke about the incredible, Esther Perel’s, perspective on relationship dynamics in the midst of quarantine.  And it did not come as a surprise to me that her simple explanation for what we all may be feeling changed everything for me.  Here’s a link to the article and if you are into podcasts I highly recommend tuning into Esther’s podcast as she explores relationships in the real time reality we are in.  Esther has an unbelievable way of simplifying relationship dynamics.  I had the good fortune of having dinner with her a year ago and left feeling empowered by her thoughts and responsible for my own happiness.

Fast forward, I found myself checking in with her thoughts and tuning into the podcast and I found it so helpful.  The greatest takeaway was obvious…I was extremely uncomfortable with the shift in the dynamics of my home life.  I was used to being in charge of setting up the structure and Nick was always happy to cruise along.  But with the hyper focused time we are presented with and Nick’s personal response to the pandemic, I felt like I was in total chaos.  I assure you I’m not shouldering all of the responsibilty here.  Nick’s approach can sometimes be hard to swallow.  And because we both were responding to crisis simultaneously we weren’t even considering that we were each entitled to our own feelings.  We were just bumping up against one another and not really taking the time to be partners and to be present.   And after some really heated moments with Nick I was left feeling exhausted and frustrated.  It was stealing the joy and the silver lining of what this time could mean for my family.  So, we sat down. We listened to one another, and by allowing ourselves that time, I realized there was so much more at play for me. 

I’m not one that sits comfortably in the discomfort.  I realized I could only control my response to the current state of affairs and I need to take a deeper look.  If I can’t learn something from this then I’m missing a really valuable opportunity to grow. My tank was on empty.  I worried for the health and well being of my friends and family, the small businesses that my friends own that are in danger of not surviving, the uncertainty and financial hardship this was bringing to most everyone in this world, the fear of what life will look like moving forward for our entire global community, the lives lost…all of it. Not to mention that all I wanted was to have my dad to lean on.  To help me understand all of it and to make me feel like we would be ok.  In a nutshell, I’m grieving. On so many levels and in so many ways.  And I’m certain that I’m not the only one who feels this way.  It’s a rollercoaster. We may not know what tomorrow may bring, but the truth is we never do.  All we can do is be present, be a student, and allow myself the grace to be human.  It may be uncomfortable, but there are always kernels of joy to be found even in the midst of darkness.

Today I shared some of the harder parts of this moment in time, but I look forward to also sharing the bright spots.  How about you?  What does your rollercoaster look like?

Stay safe, stay healthy, stay home (if you can!) and know that you are not alone…

Xx,

Jo